So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
