I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
