I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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