You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
