I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
