Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
