I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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