Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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