i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
