They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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