well I can't set my house on fire every night
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
