Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
