I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us