: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down