So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
