Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
