Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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