I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
