the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
