Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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