I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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