It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So drunk its hurt
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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