just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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