yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just forgot I was standing up.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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