when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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