I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
