i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
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Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...