Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
