just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
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do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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