I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
