he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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