my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
