god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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