I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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