he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
