Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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