Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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