Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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