She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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