So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
