I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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