He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
