that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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