The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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