Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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