you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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