I bet he comes in French.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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