i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
we're so committed to being not committed
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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