Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
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My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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