I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
