I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
