I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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