We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
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Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
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