She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
