You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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